i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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