Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
Randomize
