I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
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