I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
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