dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
Randomize
