I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
I checked into jail on foursquare
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Randomize