The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
Lately I've been very attracted to Kevin Jonas because he's like...less hot than Joe, but he's this healthy mix of both Joe and Nick. It looks like he's finally growing into himself.
Randomize
