im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
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