i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize