remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
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