Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
Send help, water and tortillas.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
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