I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
