Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
Randomize