after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
