Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
cat food counts as protein by the way
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
