Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
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