oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Randomize
