I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Randomize
