I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Randomize
