just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
I'm not sure, 7-8, the last bit was a rush of at least three blended together. Basically you fucked me so stupid that I can't even recall the number of orgasms.
So you know, I'm making that my facebook status.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
