I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Randomize
