Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
