How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
Randomize
