I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Randomize
