So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
a search helicopter?!
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
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