Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
Randomize
