i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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