If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
I wish i was in the wii world.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
she told me i tasted like america
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
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