Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
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