and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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