Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
Randomize
