my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
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