I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
Randomize
