Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
Randomize
