Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
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