you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
If there's anything in this world better than hotboxing in the rain I haven't found it yet.
Agreed
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
He better not be in your backpack
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Randomize
