i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Randomize
