Define "chronic" masturbator.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
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