I'm eating all of the evidence.
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
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