I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
Randomize
