so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
I just googled if crying burns calories
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
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