My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
Randomize
