I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
As weird as that was it was probably the best advice i've ever gotten from a tranny
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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