I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
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