i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
