Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
You are the jesus of drinking
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Randomize
