Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Randomize
