Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Randomize