im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
Randomize
