cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Randomize
