I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Randomize
