I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
Fuck me I smell like cheese
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
