Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
Question: terrible or awesome when a girl give you head so vigorously that you get a hickey of sorts
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Randomize
