note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
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