I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
Where are you?
In a non slutty way
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
She told me I should be a condom model.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
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