I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Randomize
