Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
