I want to have your abortion
Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize